Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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