remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
