So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
