If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It was a blind-side dick pic.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I smell like Dick and happiness
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