Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Alive.
So much puke
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
