Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
