her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
