my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
