and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
