it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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