Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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