Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
