next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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