Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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