Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
