why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
