if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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