Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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