I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
we made out on top of his cat.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Randomize
