i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
