I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
