Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
