hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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