I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
