Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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