I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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