Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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