I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
