The maid of honor just puked.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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