I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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