The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She bit a glass in half.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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