if you like me you must not know who I am
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
