i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize