im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
