she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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