i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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