I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
