Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize