I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize