I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
