How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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