When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
no, he came in my armpit
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
