You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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