tell your sister to shave her snatch
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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