So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
