I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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