My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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