im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
