yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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