I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
