I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
