drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
