no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
