Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
