Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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