Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i would punch a child for taco bell
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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