Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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