No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize