captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
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